a little heart shaped hole in my universe

Sitting in a little house in Uitgeest where the weather is miserable, the rain is beating the window and the branches are waving their skinny arms to the sky. Soup is boiling on the stove and I’m trying to lose myself in a delirium of music, pushing two and a half years of happiness and heartache to a far recess of my mind. All my playlists flash little memories, and I’m desperate to find new songs without any attachments..

Eri’s “songs about un beau garcon” album, given to me in French class when we were young and naive dreaming of scruffy haired men serenading us on red guitars, whilst lying in a silky sheeted bed and staring out the open doors to the sleepy waves, reminds me of those first nights when he snuck into my little bedroom in the shed. My red lamp shining at 12am, these songs floated around while he snuggled me.

His techno list beating out of his new Subaru, while tearing along the highway, throwing it back a gear to get ahead of the bogans and telling me all the stories of his partying days in Perth. My 16yr old eyes wide and laughing.

Band of Horses when eating maccas looking out over the ugly city of Burnie after a night out of trailing after his friends and sleeping in unknown beds.

ATB and Tiesto for running along Turners Beach trying to catch a speeding rocky, a flashing black and white furball a kilometre in the distance chasing seagulls, other dogs and snooping in peoples yards, him saying “I told you we shouldn’t have let him off, I told you blah blah” and me just laughing at him, all scruffy and smelly in his work clothes.

Twilight soundtrack, which is really good compared to the actual movies, him dragging me protesting and teasing him to see New Moon. Him getting outraged after me taking it a step too far and him saying scathingly “well you like Angus and Julia Stone” with me seeing nothing wrong with this.

Angus and Julia Stone for me lying on my bed with my head in my pillow after him always winning our arguments. He has a way with words, he always made more sense than me.

Him whizzing through the kitchen, teaching me his expert skills of making chocolate mousse.

Eating bucketfuls of ice-cream within the space of 5 minutes.

Me tickling him, his cute and cheeky laugh turning into coughs and hyperventilating from claustrophobia..whoops.

Melbourne, just us together, holding hands along the Yarra, laughing over cocktails and beers, watching people, guessing which ones were drug dealers. Watching the Socceroos in a packed out sportsbar, him turning all patriotic and yelling along with the rest of the crowd.

Adelaide, us ricketing around in eve’s old bomb, g-strings hanging off the gear stick, smelling like fumes when we stepped out. He can’t read maps, I can. I can’t drive without being distracted, he can.

Falls festival, snuggling up to him lying outside in our sleeping bags under a fall moon, watching the electric storm, listening to midnight juggernaughts and getting a bit freaked out it being new years eve.

Rumbling down the east coast in his diesel ute, eating at every stop, our bloated stomachs making it easy to float while snorkelling Coles bay, lying in the huge bath listening to the rain patter on our balcony. Me forcing him to climb over the Hazards to get to wineglass bay, me puffing all the way and him whizzing along with all our packs and picnics.

All his kisses, his jealous glares, his softness and tears, his tensed muscles and hard faces, his athletic prowess and insecurities, his cuddles..

A little chunk of my heart will be hiding in that recess of my mind with him, im starting to wonder like laura at the funny ways of this world where loved ones float in and out leaving a heart shaped holes in our universe..